Weblog

Monday, 22 December 2008

  • hate.

    Wow. Even after almost 2 years everytime I see those eyes my heart starts beating faster and I get this terrible feeling I wish I could get rid of. Why do I still love you? You hate me. I miss you. It's strange saying that. I don't want to. But I can't ever forget what you were to me. My first. I wish we could have been together. Everyone thinks I was crazy for what we had. But I loved you. I just needed someone there for me. I didn't want to get married right away. I still think what if. I think I will always think what if I had kept trying? What if I had been stronger. I think you will always be a part of me. I will always want to watch Lion King with you under our blanket, which I still have.... In a way I feel pathetic, still feeling something for you after so long. Certain things make me think of you. I remember that song we had... And I'd walk through hell for you... Fuck my life.



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Friday, 12 December 2008

  • shit.

    I'm starting to get really stressed out about my life. It's just getting worse. I mean I pretty much got laid off. I'm broke as fuck. Going more in debt by the day. There's no where to work in this fucking ridiculous town. I don't have a car to get to and from Duluth if I were to get a job there. I need to start looking into school. But I don't know what I should do. I need something I'm gonna make money. I probably won't like it either. But who knows, I might be surprised. The lady I talked to the other day didn't really help me much. She was pushing me to start right now this second. I have no idea what I want to go into. I'm scared shitless of growing up. I'm not ready for responsibilities yet. Life was so much simpler 5 years ago. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do :[

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

  • today.

    another day without seeing casey :[ i hate sleeping without him. he got laid off last night and since it's deer season i won't be seeing him much for another week and a half. ugh. he better come to my birthday party on saturday or i'm really gonna be sad. i seriously think he hates spending time with me. i don't even wanna hang out with just him. i like going and hanging out with other people with him. that's not a big deal you'd think. well to him its like the biggest deal EVER. its ridiculous. well i'm trying to get out and make friends. i need to. because especially since he's been laid off he'll be at the bar like everynight... fuck. he owes me so much money. and everyone else. i know i can't really say much about working since i have two jobs and work one day a week. how fucking gay is that? this town is so boring. there's never anything to do besides get druuunk. which is what i will be doing this weekend. happy birthday to me. (and cindy and raina) wooo. we made like 200 jello shots tonight. it's gonna be a blast. cindys having a keg friday night. and we're having a BYOB crunk fest saturday night. yay!

Monday, 10 November 2008

  • now.

    oh boy. first night in a long time sleeping without casey. i don't know if i'm gonna be able to deal with it. i love cuddling with him. he went hunting. oh well i like deer :] i'll get over it. and we really shouldn't be spending every night together, we're not married, fuck we're not even dating anymore. not that that's what i want but he doesn't want a girlfriend, just a best friend i guess. i don't get it. he wants to be with me, but won't. men. so fucking confusing, he drives me nuts. but i love him more than i can even explain. he's everything to me. for real. without him, it's hard to breathe. thinking about him not being in my life hurts. i don't know if thats how he feels about me, i don't care. i can't stop my how i feel about him. even if i wanted to, they would still be there. telling me even though he can be a butthead, he's still the most wonderful person. anyways....i'm going to duluth tomorrow to go shopping. i'm having a party saturday. i just hope people come over.. otherwise i'll be sad. actually no i won't really, because i'll have fun with whoever shows up. besides half of us are gonna be hungover from the night before. hah. i'm pumped. i love getting fucked up with friends. i miss last summer when that's all i ever did. hm. i acted like an idiot but i had steph right along with me to be an idiot too. god we had a blast. grad parties and mud fights. dancing in driveways and staying up late. that was the life. then everyone had to go off to college and move away. i hate how life changes and you can't do anything to stop it. sometimes i really hate where i am, and i have no idea how to change how i live. i mean, i have excuses why i don't have friends, they might not be good ones, but for me making friends was th hardest thing i could do. i'm miserable being alone all the time, yet i won't put myself out there a little to see if i can meet people. how ridiculous am i? casey tells me all the time i just need to try. and i know i need to. i'm just so used to how i live that i can't, or won't try. i really want to. i just don't really know how. ugh. the vicious circle i go through daily. fuck my life.

lydiar0se

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    • Member Since: 11/3/2008

About Me

  • i talk when i shouldn't and have a hard time speaking my mind. i cry when i can't explain how i feel. i yell when i'm mad. i love music. i'm lazy. i wish i could love life and be happy. i don't know how to anymore. i'm insecure and over think just about everything. i'm trying to go somewhere in life. i don't want to be a failure. i don't trust very easily, so don't fuck me over. hannah is my best friend. i love her! i love to laugh and be silly. i love photography. i've screwed up some of the best things i've had i my life, i've lost my best friends... but i guess if it was that easy for them to walk away it wasn't worth it. i don't regret anything. at one time it was what i wanted. i believe everything happens for a reason, i wouldn't be who i am today if it wasn't for what happened to me in the past.